I think this insults all groups equally.....so I'll post!

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide: "How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans?"

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?


Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or is he oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.


Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click … (sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

The Eyes of a Ranger Are Upon You....

Top 20 Facts About Chuck Norris
(in no particular order)

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

6. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

7. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

8. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

9. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

10. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

11. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

12. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

13. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the heck of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

14. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

15. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

16. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

17. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

18. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

19. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

20. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a freakin' Indian.

Happy New Year?

It has been brought to my attention that not everyone in the world recognizes January 1st as the start of the New Year! Hencethereforeto, I will no longer be extending such an ethnocentric and offensive greeting to my friends and love one's. I would like to apologize to any that I have offended with this bigotry in the past. I truly did not know!

From now on, I will simply say:

"Happy 1st of January" (taking a cue from the 4th of July)
"Happy New Month" (that's technically true)
"Happy Day of Gregorian Calenderic Oppression"


I'm glad to have reached this level of enlightenment.

Readership Needs A Boost!

So, I'm adding the truly talented writer in the family, Laurie, to the staff of The Proctor Post. Should be fun!

This is why I love politics...

I'm pretty sure this is real, as it is on the State's actual website:

http://www3.state.id.us/oasis/HCR029.html

Would You Like to Take a Survey??

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? It changes…I don’t like to limit myself.

2. How much cash do you have on you? About $15

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? Best

4. Favorite plant? Salad

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? My sister-in-law, Kerrie

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? Standard Blackberry tone

7. What shirt are you wearing? Charcoal grey sweater

8. Do you "label" yourself? I usually call myself “me” or “I”, depending on what’s grammatically correct

9. Name brand of the shoes you're wearing? Kenneth Cole

10. Bright or Dark Room? Dark

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? I don’t know who took this last.

12. Ever "spilled the beans"? Yeah, and I didn’t wipe them up either.

13. What were you doing at midnight tonight? Playing on the computer

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? “1121” I kept getting these weird messages with just those numbers in them.

15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners? Hardly

16. What's a saying that you say a lot? “here’s the deal”

17. Who is the last person who said I love you? The only person contractually obligated to….my wife.

18. Last furry thing you touched? My mother-in-law’s dogs.

19. How many hours a week do you work? 45ish

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? Hello…Digital!

21. Favorite age you have been so far? Probably this one, 25

22. Your worst enemy? Democrats…except Leann (and any others hiding out there that I don’t know about)

23. What is your desktop? A picture of the beach I took in Praia D’el Rey, Portugal

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? “No problem”

Wa-Hoo-Wa, K-S-U???

According to sources, Virginia offensive coordinator Ron Prince will be named the next head coach of Kansas State. With Bill Snyder moving on, it's going to be a long road ahead for the Wildcats. Maybe a little ACC style will help bring us back from the dead. Maybe not?

Guess Who's Back....Tell a Friend

Well, it's clear that the Thanksgiving holiday (or to be politically correct, the Holiday of European Aggression) took every bit of blogging inspiration out of me. The break was certainly a good one though, as the Proctor Post was on location in the hills of Northern Alabama, the ghettos of Montgomery, and the white sand beaches of Destin (and back again). It was, to say the least, a trip.

There will be more.....when I think of something.